7 Do Not’s of Intoxication

I’m not going to generalize and give advice in pointless platitudes because that’s stupid and disingenuous to you. This is more advice for future me.

1. Don’t get drunk and sulk about the past.

Don’t think about all the stupid mistakes that haunt your past like an unfriendly Casper. Like when the movie usher said “enjoy” and you said “thanks you too….” 

It won’t really help and nothing will change. Just realize what you did and try to not let it happen again next time, stupid.

2. Don’t get drunk and try to contact your ex.

You’re not Alice and going down this rabbit hole makes you look more like the mad hatter — but somehow more needy and mercury poisoning.

3. Don’t get drunk on grain alcohol.

You know why; don’t do it- you’re not a spry gent anymore. Grain alcohol makes you less a person but a semi-sentient bag of flesh driven by chicanery and repulsive human desire. Same applies in some capacity to fireball. That’s bad for you.

4. Do not get drunk and tell everyone that you love them.

Sure it was cute the first several times, but you’re an adult now. Don’t do it anymore because, 1. People will stop taking your calls 2. Mom stopped telling you she loved you back.

5. Do not get drunk and try to cook a 4- course dinner again.

Remember when you thought it was a good idea to make seared salmon risotto with demi-glace? You left the stove on, passed out and burned your toast points. 

Grilled cheese works fine and won’t kill you, for the meantime.

6. Do not get drunk and start crying

I don’t think writing this will offset the future entirely–but–but, it may placate you from further drunkenly sobbing into a bowl of cheerios on a stray Saturday night at 3 a.m.

7. Don’t get drunk at Brunch

“Bottomless drinks” is relative. It is optional. Do not do this, you will spoil the rest of your meal. Breaking yourself in the a.m. on sangria and mimosas is disgraceful. Walk it off and grab a scone on the way out.

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